Abortion.....the big easy part 3

So the question is, now what am I going to do? Facing an unplanned pregnancy is a life changing experience. You look at all 3 options - if you actually take the time to do so- and truly believe life is over no matter what. Self preservation kicks into overdrive and the only "good" option - meaning I can pretend my life is back to normal - is abortion. Nobody needs to know I was pregnant, nobody needs to know I am having sex, and day to day life goes on without any earth shattering changes...or so I thought. And I was so relieved when the procedure was over. So glad not to be pregnant anymore. I could go through the rest of my whole life and not tell anyone about the abortion because it was just a blip on the screen. Finish college, get a job, get married and have kids later - much later - but not now. Trouble is it didn't work out that way and I am talking about an experience that happened 40 years ago! Why is it still pretty crystal clear in my brain? Why do I still consider that decision to be one of the most selfish, shameful and unthinkable things I could have ever done? Why did it take me 20 years to even admit that maybe I needed help in dealing with that choice? By that point, 20 years ago, I was some kind of messed up. Did that show on the outside? No way. I was a master at covering up and filtering/deflecting conversations or comments that might unveil my well kept secret, but inside, in my heart and mind, I hurt with a pain that there are no words for. And still today, now- my throat constricts and I could weep.....